HALLUCINATION
That was bright day. Ravi got down from the bus at his normal stop. He glanced at the far end of road. There was no sign of Sucheta. He walked up to the katta where he always waits for her to return from office. It was a lovely evening. Cool and calm. This was an outskirts of the city. Far off bungalows, empty roads, empty grounds, scattered trees and lots of unattended empty space. Voices of children playing were coming from distance. A row of hills outlined the horizon at west where sun was about to settle down.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. This was perfect. He thought. Cool breeze clung around him, soothing his tired and perspired body. Stuffing his lungs for some more fresh air, he opened his eyes and stared. Transfixed, he just could not move his eyes. Right there at the far west sun was setting down the hills. This was not new, of course. Waiting for sucheta almost every day at that time had always given him this opportunity of witnessing beautiful sunsets of all seasons. Each one unique, each one different.
But the wondrous thing that displayed before him surpassed all his previous experiences. At the horizon, far afar, hills have taken a shape. This was not the permanent shape of a hill or hills together, but a conjured one which vanishes at the shift of sitting position or an eye angle. It was a huge SHIVALINGA. Miraculously perfect in its shape. The huge half dome, the imprint of a snake around it, the comandalu, was there of course, but what surprised him most was the unmistaken stream of milk pouring from that comandalu. No doubt there must be some big tree over there to do the trick. Exactly behind the linga was the fiery red half round luminescent sun setting down. Dense white clouds were letting escape few scattered rays thus giving those perfect finer touches to that picturesque scene
Obviously he was thunderstruck. The eyes transfixed at horizon, breath held, and body rigid with shock he watched Shivalinga getting whiter as sun receded and became prettier, then getting faded as darkness started sipping in.
He felt pressure on his shoulder. It was Sucheta. There was lot of anxiety and concern on her face. His face was blank when he looked up. Still hazed, it took more than 10 to 15 seconds for him to come around. He understood that it must have been for some time she was shaking him.
"What was that?"
Aghast, he threw one last look at Shivalinga. It was not there. Shocked, he searched for it desperately. And then he remembered. He has shifted his position. Automatically he adjusted himself till the shape got restored again.
" RAVVI', what is it?
Afterwards he wondered why he swallowed down the Shivalinga discovery from Sucheta. It was not his nature at all. But on that day he just shook his head in negation, got up slowly putting his hand around her waist. If she was surprised previously then now she was definitely worried. Putting his hand off her waist she confronted him.
Now tell me. What is it?
He sighed. 'Nothing! Really."
She waited.
"Just in some deep thoughts. Nothing particular, swear!"
Still quizzical, she stored the discussion away for some future time. Chores of work waited at home for her. He walked mutely along with her.
On that night and following day Shivalinga was just with him for each awaking moment. He was quite surprised and restless for last evening. He could not understand the purpose behind yesterday's episode. Ravi never ever thought himself as theist. He was not even atheist for that matter. Actually he had never given enough thought either ways. Being third in a family of three brothers and two sisters, his parents, with their mediocre income and status, were virtually incapable of giving any shape or direction to his thoughts or to help build any concept on any subject. He was not deprived of any prime materialistic thing in his life though. He was modestly dressed, taken normal education and given healthy food as any other normal middle-income family childhad in his neighborhood. He was reprimanded usually to do his homework and to read his schoolbooks. He was never expected to read any other books nor encouraged to participate in any other activities. He was quite thankful to his parents for his upbringing, loved them from his heart, and never thought of being proud to be a part of family.
This upbringing had its demerits as well as merits. Of course, he lacked what other kids got from their parents, the base, primary information, and the strong solid helipad on which to stand and choose direction and fly off. Still he got what exactly those other children had not. The opportunity to develop his own self in every respect.
So he chose the books he read, of suspense and sex first, but gradually drifted towards more matured novels and then real life ones. He developed his own rules about what was good and bad, many a times remained confused, always defining and again redefining depending upon the course of events took place in that particular times and on his participation in it. Still he acquired a reputation of well cultured & well mannered youngster when he left his college education which said a lot about his efforts to find correct direction. He has given some interdepartmental exams and acquired somewhat middle leveled category in his company. Sucheta was a nice girl, had very limited expectations from life in general, adapted well in his life. After marriage he got himself transferred to this city where Sucheta also had a better job prospects. He was normal husband and a common father. Excellent to have around in his best moods, to avoid wisely when not. The rule applied in outer world too. The only difference was there he was ignored when he was in one of his foul moods. Actually that did not matter much as he, like all the other people, though appreciated, was not really expected to act with perfection.
So, like all the other fellows, he was happy or thought himself to be happy when the life was smooth and challenge less, in order to be able to grumble for getting bored, and definitely not pleased when confronted with any kind of challenges or even faced with minor obstacles in his day to day routine.
Life was simple, so there were lots of grumbles. As there was no actual threat to any field of any type, the remote chances of its possible occurrence was also enough to send them both to their more spiritual visits to temples than usual. For him, like all others, God was something like a low tempered immature boss. To be kept pleased at any cost and always to be feared for some reason, for no reason. And still expected to be sheltered by him from every crises even though they are created by the expectorate himself.
Day passed. The speed and purpose with which Ravi hurried out was self obvious and stunned everyone around. It was as if an addict going to a place of promised supply of drugs. Getting down the bus he headed straight to that katta and without even wondering of Sucheta's arrival tried to catch the exact spot of yesterdays, and adjusted himself impatiently with curt accuracy till he got his own SHIVALINGA.
Right over there on that spot at that moment he realized exactly what it means to "own" anything. To have something which is very precious and exclusively ours yet having no desire to flaunt it, or to control it in any way. So he slumped there with relaxed body. Relaxed, as he had never relaxed before. His whole body was relaxed while each atom of every cell of that body was dancing with joy. For first few moments he was unaware of anything save the prettiest sight in front of him and the soothed body by the wind and fresh air. Herd of sheep's were heading back home. Their collective sounds as well as the smell of grass crumbled under their feet, the chitkars of children playing afar, and the haloes of empty space were filled in the environment. And though oblivious of it all, he was aware of it all through that special sense of human being able to grasp the existence of things around him though not making any actual efforts to do so. Actually this was meditation. Sitting in the upright position, concentrating at the sight in front, without thinking anything else, it could not have been anything else. It was meditation but without realizing it to be so. And because it was without any realization, it was without the obvious effort of it being perfect. And so there he was unaware of how he might have been envied by lakh of other people in the world who had any inkling about his achievement in meditation without any conscious efforts on his part.
Satiated and content, yet miraculously alert was how Sucheta found Ravi on that day. Definitely irritated at first to spot him exactly in yesterday's posture, she shook him into consciousness. Smiling from the bottom of his heart, he greeted her. Vanished was the yesterday's confused, baffled person. Head held high, light paced, he walked with her to home. Little did she know that was a beginning of new era? There was a slow yet steadfast change in him which was to stay forever
And what a change it was. No amount of provocation was enough to anger or irritate him nowadays; no amount of humiliation could disgrace him. And no amount of praise would unbalance his self esteem. Nothing about this mattered to Sucheta as well as kids than the fact that the low tempered husband and father has been replaced by a very sensible, sound person.
Actually Ravi was immensely amazed by drastic changes in his own mind that to so smoothly. A strong sense of calm and peacefulness prevailed through him which strangely gave him strength and quite resolve he never experienced before. People around his started to depend on his quite resolve. Authorities as well as juniors suddenly became assured and energized. Now the tasks were completed with zest as well as serenity.
This was not limited to the outer world. He had actually freed himself from all kinds of reservations which prevented him to think. Previously he wondered, questioned about the conventional idea of GOD he was acquainted with. He used to do so when life was smooth and tensionless. In brutal words, there were occasions when he did not need god, the folly of whole concept he would speculate. How the hell GOD forgives the crimes one has supposedly done in the past or in the previous life and eradicate its results/sufferings simply by going to temples and praying? by giving extensive presents to HIM? And why should anybody is forgiven because of his fasting? Would not it be another crime one does by punishing one's body of this life for the crimes that body of past birth has simply implemented following orders he had instructed in the yester birth? Even the methods of paying tribute to god seemed so childish! Need the god be told constantly how great he is? HE is the epitome of intelligence and power and so HE knows what HE is? Even the mere decent person will get nauseated by such a constant reminder of how great he is in the form of those chanting done in those temples over there and would soon get fed up. From his heart of hearts he knew now that he always doubted the belief yet performed all the rituals out of some unknown fear.
Even he was disappointed with the preachers. Those so called saints According to what those preachers, they are giving ultimate gyan alias education on religious topics. Well if those are really jnyanpithas, the educational institute of religious dnyanas then as per any universities should not their students are expected to take the knowledge of primary kind and then should let off to venture in the outer world to implement it or to develop it? Why then all their bhaktas are clinging to their gurus so blatantly? The homage they pay to their gurus can not be called as respect. Respect is a very decent phenomenon. But the devotees over there were expected to give up the self respect. How can a person without self respect give respect to any other person? Even to one's own guru? But that was exactly what was preached to do in those lectures. Do give up your ego and be only mere servant not only to god but also to the guru. Do not ask questions. Do not have doubts. He wondered what kind of education this can be.
Of course these unanswered questions did not stop him following those very rituals they preached. Some unknown dread would keep him follow those things. Not any more. Now there was no need to go visit different deities at different temples. Now there was only that Shivalinga and his own conscious. The change was so complete that it did not seem necessary to even donate the credit of his achievements to Shivalinga. After that first addiction even the need to go visit Shivalinga daily also ceased. Gaps in those visits were mere delays and not some kind of sin.
One day he noticed there was some construction going on the ground. It was now going on for some months. He though noticed it did not bother. The sounds and noise of those machines never bothered him when he was on that katta with his Shivalinga. But one day he noticed the structure. It intrigued him to enquire. And to his amazement it revealed to be construction of a temple. That was Shiva's temple. That was another jolt. Was he so engrossed in his own meditation that he noticed the temple construction in its last stage. Month passed. Though uncompleted the mural alias linga was placed in the temple. And it was an exact replica of his linga. It was as if that linga had come down for him, he did not need even to move his eyes a bit right or left. Just look down and there it was. He did not go in the temple. There was no need. The homage paid from his seat was complete.
Days passed. And one day to his horror his Shivalinga was blocked. The dome of temple was built blocking the vision of his Shivalinga. That was ultimate misery. He could not believe his eyes. This was never dawned to him. Why? Why?
He just sat there motionless. And then he looked at the linga. It was there. Right in front of him. Waiting for him to touch. While giving a futile glance at the direction of his own linga he got up slowly and went to the temple. Keeping his eyes only on linga he took off his shoes. This was not necessary for his linga. And then he went inside.
THUNNN! He banged his head. He remembered. He had to bow down to enter the temple; the door was purposely built that way. To make people bow down. He again missed his postures while viewing his Shivalinga. Head held high, inhaling fresh air he used to watch. Inside there was darkness. People jostled one another, smell of human perspiration, stinking milk aggarbatti aroma made his head dizzy. The confident step inside slipped. Floor had become slippery due to spilt milk, water etc. When he came out he was tired and relieved to inhale fresh air. He went to his own seat. Looked at the temple. And threw a lost look at the direction of his linga. Now his loss was eternal. He went home tired and exasperated. The night and day passed in exasperation. His evening seemed empty.
Next day he got down at the stop. Went to his katta. And sat down heavily at his exact place. Rituals were carried out at temple. He looked in the direction of his linga and closed his eyes.
Heyya! there in the closed eyes his own Shivalinga appeared. As fresh as ever. With minute details with comandalu, snake, stream of milk it was there. Right in front of his closed eyes. With sun setting behind it letting escape few scattered rays and thus giving perfect finer touches to that picturesque scene. Now he was freed from that spot too. He need not come to that katta for his Shivalinga. With head held high, music in his mind, light spaced he went back to his home.
After some days Sucheta asked him to accompany her to Shiva's temple. He went gladly. He bowed his head while entering the temple. Stood mutely beside Sucheta while she performed her puja. Aghast she reproached him for not doing his rituals. As told he closed his eyes and joined his hands. The sight of his Shivalinga came fresh in his mind. He could smell fresh air; hear songs of birds amidst all those noise.
"
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WRITTEN BY-DEEPLAXMI PARULEKAR [VRINDA]
